a stupid kind of courage

he went to Penang. and i was glad because he actually told me. so takde lah aku tertanya-tanya mane dia menghilang kan..

i discovered that he went out with this one girl that day. well, his friend 'told' me. i thought it would hurt u know, i mean when it comes to he's seeing other girl, but i was able to accept it and make a joke out of it. LOL. hypocrite much?

maybe i was just avoiding the sure-to-come-heartbreak. but yeah, it is inevitable to feel hurt a bit, who doesnt anyway. hati batu mana pun mesti sakit jugak kalau orang tersayang menyayangi orang(s) lain.

last week, i had a long walk and long talk with him. we talked about me, about him but not us. i was avoiding the topic, maybe he was too. maybe we were trying to not to spoil the day. but that was the best walk i ever had with him. i felt warm, in the heart.

sometimes i think that this is a stupid thing to do. i know im gonna get hurt in the end but im going for it anyway. even if this is a brave thing to do, it is still a stupid kind of courage. biarlah, lets just see bagaimana cerita ini akan berakhir nanti.

i've been talking about this guy but i've not given him a name, am i? well, lets just call him Dill. hah, ambik kau aku bagi nama omputih.

last night Sam texted me, but i didn't reply it. i just didn't wan to bother about him anymore. oh, Sam is also a friend of Dill and me of course. before this, before i fell for Dill, i was kinda like have a thing for this Sam guy. and he does too. but aku lupakan dia selepas Dill mula masuk line. u see, girls susah nak ada pendirian.

talking about Sam (bukan nma sebenar), he's a nice guy if were to compare to Dill. and most of the girls yang fall for Sam adalah girls yang baik-baik, yang ayu and what not. Dill used to ask me if i like Sam, well isn't the obvious? but he can never tell. sometime i wonder how on earth i could ever fall for this guy yang sgt bengong. i mean his joke is not even funny, but i like the way he laughs at his own joke and eventually laughing too, not at the joke but him.

i never really tell Dill how i feel for him. he did ask, but i just left him wondering. because i was not sure before, but if he ask me now i don't think i'll be able to tell him either. if i do, im afraid i'd fall deeper.

okay nak mandi.
bye!

im beginning to accept things as the way they are. or rather, accepting him as the way he is. dia cakap dengan perempuan lain, aku pura-pura tak perasan, dia usha awek lain aku buat-buat tak nampak, dia ajak sembang aku sembang balik, dia bagi aku air aku minum je, dia cari aku masa dia sunyi aku layan je.

im trying to make myself believe that he's nothing more than just a friend, like we were before. memang la rasa itu agak sakit, tapi what else can i do. i have pride too. i wont text him if he doesn't text me first, i wont start anything with him unless he starts it first. oh btw, it all starts with him initially. so he's the one who is suppose to end this game. well, only if it is to have a ending.

tadi ada aktiviti larian dalam college. he was there, and there was me talking to a guy who is a friend of him and also mine. tapi boleh pulak dia tiba-tiba datang and dgn selamber bgtau that guy yg i belong to him and that dia tak suka aku cakap dengan that guy. he blurted it out in front of that guy and i noticed the change in his face. but he said it dengan nada bergurau. i dont know if he really meant it, but i do hope so.

well im not that naive. i've been in many relationships with different kinds of guys before. and i know very well that guys know what girls like in a guy. so he's just acting sweet and all. thats all. and damn, i fall for it realising the truth. and thats just lame.

dia dah lama jugak la takde msg aku. Facebook pulak aku takde. the only chance we get to talk is when we're having lecture on weekdays. dia tak cari aku tu makne nye ada la awek lain yang hiburkan dia.

i started missing him already. *sigh

bye!

dia yang gatal ngorat aku dulu

i used to tell a friend, don't nurture the feeling u have for someone when u KNOW that it is not gonna go anywhere. its funny when u can tell a friend to do that but bila kena batang hidung sendiri, tak tahu pulak nak buat mcm mana.

it has always been my principle. to never to nurture the feeling that's gonna get u all the bullshits and heartbreaks. for me its easier to prevent than to cure. meaning, better to avoid the feeling than layan jiwang dan akhirnya semakin jatuh cinta and eventually end up kecewa. 

u still have a hope when u are still in the 'fell in like' stage. which is the stage where im in right now. i just cant help but to love everything about him. i repeat, ABOUT HIM. i didn't even noticed it before that he's beautiful. i mean his hair, his eyes and his smile and everything lah. 

he made me like him, whether he realise it or not. but..well, being a playboy, i think he does that a lot to every other girls. im just another girl who falls for his sweet words. but i don't wish this feeling to develop into something called 'love'. 

for if it does, i don't know if i cant afford the pain. come on, i see him everyday how can i avoid his irresistible stupid sweet smile? 

okay, alasan jaaa semua tu. dulu elok ja jumpa dia tiap hari takda perasaan pun. sekarang gedik pulak nak jeles bagai tengok dia cakap dengan perempuan lain. 

This is My First Entry.

macam la orang tak boleh tahu ni first entry dia kan. but this is not my first time blogging.
well, i'll blog most about my personal life. specifically about me, who has gone through countless of heartbreaks, but now is loving a playboy. complicated much?

in my case, since he's a college-mate tiap hari jumpa,  so tak heran lah sangat dia hot mcm mana pun. aku memang tak pernah terdetik rasa nak jatuh suka kat dia. sebab cantik-cantik mana pun benda tu kalau selalu tengok jadi benda biasa yang tak memberi apa-apa impact juga kan? but that was before.

before he started texting me. bukan nya sebelum ni dia tak pernah text, just mesej dia on that day was so different. and that was when it all started.